Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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