Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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