Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
