dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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