i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We're too hungover to prance.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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