i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
