apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
