where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
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