I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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