Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
