He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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