I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
3 2 1 whiskey
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
