Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
