watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
