We're like a lot better than the average bears
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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