bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Will exercising make me less horny?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
