In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
