I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
