i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
