Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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