I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
