There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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