I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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