The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
