Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
