Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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