do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize