her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
