i was born a porn star she said
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
