you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
