Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Four minutes until I can fart!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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