All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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