dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
