Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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