my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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