a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize