I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize