I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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