I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
