God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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