I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
