I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
