Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
