My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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