If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
