she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
