i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
