he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
