Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
