i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
