I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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