he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
