He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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