My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Randomize
