i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize