Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
