I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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