haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
