I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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